Fact: Any business name is made funnier if you append "and Discount Bait Shop."

Colleen: What's in this box?
Greg: Dunno.
Colleen: *opening it* Books.
Greg: Books?
Colleen: Books.
Greg: *growling* BURN THEM ALL.
Colleen: Funny you say that. One of them is "Rescuing Souls from Hell."


Me, digging through tool chest: Claw hammer... another claw hammer... another claw hammer. Why do you have three claw hammers?!
Colleen: Because I'm a girl!


Colleen Ackerson: Which of these notepads is heavier?
Greg: The bigger one.
Colleen: I must be going crazy. I thought it was the smaller one.
Greg: I think the bigger one is 30% heavier. Let's find out. *gets kitchen scale*
Colleen: I don't care how much heavier it is...
Greg: I was close! The smaller one is 58 grams and the bigger one is 73 grams, so it's actually 25.8% heavier.
Colleen: Well. See? You were wrong.


Greg: I would go on a liquid diet if the liquid in question was eggnog.


Greg: If 20 years of IT has taught me anything, it's that the words "you can't" is the worse thing ever.


Colleen: Uh oh. There's fog on the bridge.
Greg: I love fog! It's so mysterious.
Colleen: I hate fog. It's so dangerous.
Greg: Danger is mysterious!


Greg: Now I remember why I wanted to go online... it was to post on Facebook.
Colleen: Aw, I thought you were going to search for White Christmas.
Greg: I'm not a Bing Crosby fan.
Colleen: WHAT? I wish I had known that before I married you!


Colleen: Aren't you in school right now??
Ethan: Yeup
Colleen: So... what about your school work??
Ethan: Its 4 nurdz
Greg: Ethan's going to be a jock.
Ethan: Heheheheh nurd


Colleen: Aren't you glad I'm only 24%?
Greg: Oh, you took the Psychopath Test!
Colleen: Yep. The average woman scored 39%.
Greg: That's what I scored! I'm a perfect woman. You're more sane than me.
Colleen: And I'm the one who works in the crazy hospital!


Colleen: I can't set trolls on fire because they're wearing ice pants!

*** In between these two quotes, I married Colleen. (and after a quote like this, who wouldn't?) ***

Greg: Kosher hot dogs taste great, but they sure are expensive.
Colleen: The reason they cost more is when the meat falls on the floor, they take the time to clean it before putting it back in the machine. With the cheap dogs, they just scoop it up with a dustpan and throw it in.


Craig Baird: Did you get a new truck?
Me: Nah, this is my dad's... my Saturn is in the shop.
Craig: I told you to get rid of that!
Me: Yeah, yeah.
Craig: Have you seen the new Focus? It's sweet.
Me: I want a car that's big enough to carry 8-foot 2x4s.
Craig: Get a truck!
Colleen Ryan: No, *I'M* getting the truck!
Troy: Say what?


Weldon: wuv uuuuuuuu!!!
Weldon: oops you not Jennifer Godfrey
Weldon: hate you!


Greg: ROME Group. Greg here.
Brad: Hey, Greg. This is Brad Clements from Charleston; we had talked about ETAP license the other day?
Greg: Oh hey, Brad. Good morning.
Brad: Good morning... are you off today?
Greg: Nope.
Brad: You sound really relaxed.
Greg: That's how we roll, baby.


Greg (AKA Tinluindir): Ah! I see you're in Thorin's Hall, too.
Xander (AKA Amathaew): Tis a nice place, is it not? The home of my people.
Greg: It's nothing like Duillond, that's for sure. So many edges... and corners... I've not had dealings with the dwarves since the dark times.
Xander: Oh, so you're an elf?
Greg: Indeed.
Xander: Then I look forward to never trusting you.

(unknown. 2008 or 2009 I think)

[At the airport]
Bonnie: Even though you were too far away to recognize, I knew it was you, by your gait... the unique way you were walking.
Greg: [thinking] Uh oh, testosterone alert.
Greg: In what way?
Bonnie: Well, sort of like a caveman.
Greg: [thinking] Whew!


Weldon: I get nose bleeds at 1.1 micrometers.


Xander: Evil smells like sulfur and butts.


Xander: I was just thinking yesterday that I need a new source of diarrhea. Mexican food just doesn't cut it.


Colleen: Behave yourself, David.
Dave: I know I'm not behaving!


Jeff: [Flossing is] an unfortunate necessity until science can replace a row of teeth with a bionic titanium monotooth.


Greg: "The one and only Grant Morrison (ALL-STAR SUPERMAN) returns to Superman, joined by sensational artist Rags Morales (IDENTITY CRISIS)..." My favorite comic book artist is paired with my most abhorred author??? AAAAARRRGHHH!!! How could this be happening!!!!!
Xander: This sounds like a problem that, like most every problem, can be solved with violence.


Dad: Just imagine how much Soylent Green you could produce if you processed all the illegal aliens, instead of deporting them. Think of all the suffering poor you could feed!


Weldon: I am thinking of upgrading to Windows 3.1.


Weldon: Join my friends list on Google+!
Greg: No one uses Google Plus, so I hear.
Weldon: That's because it's a clean slate. We need to get on there and dirty it up.


John B.: I am a vegetarian except for bacon.


Greg: Don't believe everything you see on YouTube.
Dad: I believe EVERYTHING I see on YouTube.


Greg: Can we drop my car off at BJ's? I need to get my tires rotated.
Troy: Don't they rotate every time you drive?


Greg: I would take a lot more risks in real life if I could reload a saved game.


Russ: Aw man! I only have one mauling to my record. I need to maul more often!


FB Guy: Hello. How's it going?
Greg: Good. How about you?
FB Guy: Are you friends with my main?
Greg: No. I kicked you when semi-porn showed up on my news feed.
FB Guy: You semi-kicked me?? :( :(
Greg: No, I all-the-way kicked you. :)


Troy: Greg, how dare you speak against individuals' personal right to expression of art by pooping on public property?


Kaitlyn A.: [pointing at a planetary diagram] This is the earth's crust. You can't eat it.


Greg: Girls read me too easily.... It's one of my weaknesses. None of my emotions are ninjas.


Greg: In Hell, you poop live tarantulas.


Greg: That's not an invalid error if we don't want people to not be loading a specific file. Wow, I used a quadruple negative. Are you impressed?


Weldon: You must always type 'NUCLEAR REACTOR!!!' in upper case and at least three explanation points. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.


John: Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.


F. John: I would go postal, but it's too much work.


Dad: Hey Socrates, baby! Get a real job!


Russell: I've never played a game before where going afk in a town for 5 mins can mean you come back to the town to find it's been taken over by planar creatures dancing on your corpse!


Troy: Apparently you're meaner than I am.
Greg: HELL YEAH!!! HULK SMASH PUNY BEING POLITE. I'm meaner than a whole passel of rattlesnakes in a dentist office at high noon! If I see a horse that's hurt and struggling, I help it across the street... on the way to the GLUE FACTORY!!! I enjoy spending time with my nephews and pointing out different insects... right before I STOMP THEM INTO THE GROUND!!!! (true story) ("them"=the insects, not my nephews)


Greg: I wanted to compliment a woman on her boots, but I couldn't figure out how to say it without sounding gay.
Xander: "Girl, nice boots."
Greg: Yeah, but this woman was older than your mom so that would've been weird.
Xander: "Old lady, nice boots."


Greg: American industries could be competitive with China if we charged an import tariff on Chinese goods.
Mom: Yeah! We could pay off our debt just with that!
Greg: But if we said, "Hey China, we're sick of you flooding our markets with cheap crap. We're charging a 50% tariff on you." They'd say, "Fine. We want our money back."
Mom: And we'd say, "What money?"


Greg: My playstyle is dominated by turtling, which can be a great source of frustration when I'm presented with something that demands constant offensives and gaining ground, like W40K Dawn of War, or real life.


Greg: I was at Cracker Barrel and tried to order Chicken and Dumplings. I say "try" because what I asked for was "Chicklin and Dumpings."


Ethan: I don't know why people pay a lot of money to go to a fancy restaurant when they can just stick a fork in a head of lettuce and call it dinner.


Greg: God has a zero ping. No exceptions. He could be logging into a Korean Starcraft lobby from an island in the Seychelles using an acoustic coupler modem over rusty barbed wire, and He'd still have a zero ping.


Greg: Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Troy: That's nothing. Liberals live for years without brains.


Greg: I dreamt I was shooting you in the face with a flamethrower, and you were just laughing at me!
Russell: That's because I was wearing SPF 10 million sunblock and your pants were on fire!


Weldon: I am a Republican hippie. "Peace, love and WAR!!!"


Greg: Rhode Island's Central Landfill is 50x larger than its largest park.
Jeff: They should make the landfill a park.
Greg: It worked for Mt. Trashmore! The problem is Central is a toxic waste dump.
Jeff: What makes it so toxic?
Greg: Yankees.


Greg: I just thought of something. Since the tectonic plates are always moving, could it be that sea levels are not rising, but rather the land is falling?
Troy: Interesting proposition. However, you know the sea level has to be rising because we are clubbing baby seals!


Slashdot: "Youtube pulled the original 'Rickroll' video Wednesday night. Don't worry, after a lot of email about the loss of such an important piece of cultural history, Youtube put it back up, saying that they're never gonna say goodbye to the video that's had over 30 million views."
Mirthscout: It's back up again, and [had] it back up again before anyone can get the story posted.
ZeroSumHappiness: *Whooooshhh*
ground.zero.612: SUCKERS! You just got RickRolled by Youtube!
||v||trix: How do you RickRoll this video?
BlueTrin: It is safe to say that most of the people posting here have been rickrolled.
2obvious4u: Yeah, I got RickRolled by NPR this morning.
Joce640K: That baby must have sucked up terabytes/min at its peak. You can probably trace global warming back to Rick Astley if you try.
Nerfest: In the future, the "Astley" will become the standard unit for measuring carbon emissions from computing. eg.: I switched to DC power for our servers and saved 47 Astleys annually.
elrous0: I already blame Rick Astley for pretty much everything else that's wrong with the world--might as well add that to the list.


Kay: Are you growing a beard??
Greg: Uhh... no, I just forgot to shave.
Kay: That's a lot of beard for one day!
Greg: I forgot for a week.


Weldon: I want to play a game of Risk.
Greg: I'll be Nazi Man.
Weldon: I'll be Heart Man: taking over the world with my love, OR THEY WILL GET THE BACK OF ME HAND!


Greg: Face it, man... you need LSD to keep up with me.
(In a fit of cruel irony, the guy I said this to used to be hooked on LSD)


Greg: Aaaahhh! I cut myself on a blender blade and got blood on my pizza dough. I'm cooking it anyway.


Greg: Popup ads on TV make me think evil thoughts.
Weldon: I think evil thoughts all the time.


Mom: I just learned how to make an atom bomb!


Greg: Listen to this quote from a Harvard professor in 1908: "The public has greatly overestimated the possibilities of the airplane, imagining that in another generation they will be able to fly over to London in a day. This is manifestly impossible."
Mom: Shows you what a Harvard education gets you.


John: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xdd0edT-BeE
Greg: Cute. Ewoks are still lame, though!!!!!!!!!!!
John: No Way. Billy D is lame!
Greg: You're just jealous because he said "You truly belong here among the clouds" to Carrie Fisher instead of you.
John: OH YEAH! Well Yub Yub!


Weldon: There's no such thing as an Internet. Why are you spreading such nonsense on FIDONET?


Greg: Calorielab.com says at Chick-fil-a, their small unsweetend iced tea is 0 calories, their large unsweetened is 5 calories, and their medium unsweetened is 110 calories.
Weldon: Well, that is because that once you drink so much and have a big enough batch in your stomach, it starts combining with things like oxygen and a medium is 110 calories. However, once you get halfway between medium and large, it goes unstable and explodes in your digestive system before you absorb it!


Weldon: Korean has 13 vowels and 13 consonants, because the modern alphabet was invented by a mathematician. This is why their modern written language looks like a bunch of math symbols in triads.
Greg: Sounds like he was leaking linguistics all over the place. I bet he had loose vowels.


Greg: You're saying they put Taco Bell beef in Iranian oil??
Jeff: Taco bell beef IS Iranian oil!


Greg: Obama should fart on live TV.
Weldon: He does! It comes out of his mouth.


Alex: Girls don't know how to arm or disarm a missile!
Ethan: Yeah, and if you don't give them the large chocolate, they'll slap ya!
Alex: Well, if they slap us, we can use our missile!


Jeff: Idiot! The key to pink fusion is pink grapefruit fusion!


Mom: I want to be Secretary of WAR!


John Bundy: I wish I could quit you.
Greg: I'm the crack cocaine of friendships. The only way out is feet first.


Greg: I bet your butt doesn't have 30g of fat per serving like a hotdog does.


John B.: I have a prosthetic butt because a hippo bit me in the Congo.


Anonymous Coward: Right, because without any predators, Terran bacteria could easily overwhelm the Moon's indigenous...er...rock species?
trongey: Now that's a scary scenario: bacteria break down all the rocks on the Moon, and all that's left is a cloud of dust orbiting the Earth.
Drooling Iguana: That's basically what the Moon is already. It's just kept together due to gravity, which wouldn't switch off when you introduce the bacteria.
fredrikj: Unless the bacteria eat gravity.


Greg: My toilet is beeping at me!


Weldon: I have a filtering proxy cache that doesn't want to block this penis enlarging pill site.
Greg: That's because it's http://supersilly.com/~greg/enlarge-your-penis-pills
Weldon: I get a 404 error on that.
Greg: I guess you don't need the pills.


Weldon: The blast wave of my fart is strong enough to slow down anyone.


Soulskill: Pickens brings news that researchers from Rice University have discovered that it's possible to store hydrogen inside buckyballs... The buckyballs can contain up to 8% of their weight in hydrogen, and they are strong enough to hold it at a density that rivals the center of Jupiter.
Anonymous Coward: Also for those of you more familiar with the US measurement system (rather than the SI units): The pressures we're talking about here is almost 200 million library of congresses per VW Beetle.
elrous0: That's a big twinkie.


Dad: The 2008 dollar is worth about as much as a wad of phlegm in a flu sufferer's handkerchief.


Marlin: I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but you notice how every time Jeff takes off for a few days, people start getting shot?


Greg: I knew it was love when she stopped charging me.


Marlin: Water = Poop.


Greg (to Mom): You are an island of tankage in a sea of squishiness!


Weldon: I wonder if any truck drivers have converted their driver's seat to a toilet?
(5 minutes later...)
Weldon: can't find any driver toilet seat


Weldon: When you see a request to blacklist someone at putzputzputz.com, you don't really need to question it.


kalirion: If we ever have a computer powerful enough to fully simulate a human brain, would the simulation qualify as human?
pluther: Depends on whose brain it was simulating, I suppose.
StikyPad: Computer, your petition for citizenship has been granted.
"That's hot."
COMPUTER! You need to stop saying that if you want to be accepted as a member of society!
"I know... that's so hot."


Mom: Look at the moon!
Greg: It's full! Good thing I'm not a werewolf. I'm a weregeek. Wait... that doesn't make any sense. I'm a geek all the time.


Jeff: I actually started eating brie because of World of Warcraft.


Greg: I was just thinking last night, I need shurikens.
Jeff: Who doesn't????


Foxnews.com: A 17-year-old from Ireland, who was born without a jaw, is hoping that a rarely performed surgery will give him a new face to show the world. ...the surgeons will take Doherty's hipbone and ... [it will] be transplanted to [his] lower face.
Greg: Taking bone from the hip? I can't help but wonder what this will do to his hip... would the bone grow back?
Mom: It will grow into an anterior jaw.
Greg: Better than a posterior jaw. Then folks could accuse him of being a buttface.


Greg: SATA drives have poop in them?
Jeff: Yup.


Mom: Good reason to clean, right? Looking for a dead body.


[In Allen's office while I'm helping him with a computer problem; Bill walks in.]
Greg: Allen asked me how the heck do I know all this stuff. He's been married two or three times... I've never been married. So after I do this all day at work, I go home, and do it all night.
Bill: Damn. Damn. <shakes head> Damn.


Greg: The performance of MFM is not as good as SCSI in DOS. WHY???
Weldon: Because you have a Hoho in your drive.


Greg: This would be a decent prank: wait until the fridge is somewhat sparse (Friday?) and squish everything to the back... freezer too... and absolutely pack it with Ramens! Jeff: LOL! That's a great idea. Or better yet, fill the entire break room with ramen.


My boss's boss's boss, to me: Go work at McDonald's.


Stephanie: There's stream of consciousness, and then there's stream of consciousness, and Virginia Woolf is neither.


Jeff: Remember when Grand Theft Auto made the news because Mexicans were upset? I dont see why they didn't just add, "KILL ALL THE CRACKERS!" and have a bunch of whiteys running out.
Greg: The only person to ever call me cracker, several times, was Sherry.
Jeff: Cracker!


Mom: Acacia wood... wasn't that the wood the Ark was made out of?
Greg: I think it was gopher wood.
Mom: No, the ARK!
Greg: You just said Ark.
Mom: NO! The OTHER Ark!


(A discussion on Slashdot re: alleged power of the Sony PS3)

omemomi: I say, make it calculate the last digit of pi.
Anonymous Coward: Chuck Norris IS the last digit of pi.
omeomi: You could just guess...you have reasonably good odds of getting it correct. I bet it's 7.
Achoi77: I call dibs on 0!
Pulse_Instance: You are all wrong, it is nullity.
scotch: Last non-zero digit is 1 -- in base pi.
camperdave: Base Pi? You're not being rational.
Lane.exe: You're all going to Mathematician's Hell for this thread.


Jeff: Who would have thought programming would be so exciting? it's like freaking Top Gun over here.


Greg: The last 10 times or so I've bought something for my computer, I was either at Lowe's, Home Depot, or Advance Auto Parts.
Tom: What would you get at an auto parts store for your computer?
Greg: Hose clamps.
Tom: Hose clamps? For your computer? That's sick, dude.


Mom: I'll save the realms of death for another day.


Greg: I wonder how you hire thugs in Mexico?


Jeff: Zesty Guacamole pringles are spiced with crack.


Jeff: Holy crap!! You can get peaches in a can??


Greg: Kurt Vonnegut said that anyone who cannot explain what they do to an 8-year-old is a charlatan. Well, I just sent an email:
Byron--I've installed a script on the EMIT production server which will automatically update the test server with the Simco update files, so if and when we need to scan for something, we can do so with current data without touching the production data.
...and I can feel Kurt's eyes burrowing into me!
Jeff: I would just tell them I'm an astronaut!


Greg: Funny Integrator request: "Need two (2) standard USB printer cables - 24 feet long."
Greg: Someone needs a network printer!
Jeff: Hahahaha!
Jeff: "Need VPN access - or ethernet cable 5 miles long"
Jeff: I dont even think you can have a usb cable that long and still be within the official usb specs.
Greg: "The maximum length of a USB cable is 5 meters; greater lengths require hubs."
Jeff: Haha, thought so.
Greg: Still, that's roughly 15', so you could conceivably do it with 4 cables and 2 hubs for the 2 printers.
Greg: gaaaayyy
Jeff: "Your request has been rejected. Reason: Brokeback."


Marlin: I'll read from like 10 at night until 1:30 in the morning... I can't put it down. I'm a slow reader.
Greg: You like to savor it.
Marlin: No, I'm a slow reader.


Chuck: Frickin long haired hippie freak! Pinko liberal COMMIE!


Chuck: I don't need no stinkin fan...I'm a reptile!


Greg: Like Leto II, the God-Emperor of Dune, I sometimes go on a "mind safari".
Sherry: That sounds like something a stoner would do. Mind safari.
Greg: Yes, I'm naturally tripping.


Greg: I'm half black.
Jeff: I'm half Chuck Norris.


Jeff: C64 is 8,000 times better than an Opteron.


Greg: What is that? Is that yours? (pointing at my own empty "Equate" nutritional drink can)
Mom: You drink that stuff?
Greg: It's a meal on the go! Slurp!
Mom: (looking at the label) More like chemicals on the go.
Greg: Those are vitamins!
Mom: Oh, you mean like carrageenan?


Robert X. Cringley: I'm counting on Google and eBay to save America.


Mom: Tell Cal to play a minotaur chieftain who gets poisoned all the time and cannot heal himself and is so stupid he cannot transmute either.
Cal: Tell her I play the game to get away from my everyday life, not copy it.


Jeff: energydrinksthatdonttastelikeass.com is available!


Greg: If you had a black hole one light-year in diameter, it would probably absorb the entire universe.


Jeff: I want a couple of days of taking it easy! I need surgery!
Greg: Yeah man you need to get a hernia!
Jeff: Yea man!
Greg: Next few times you need to take a crap, push REALLY HARD, that'll help!
Jeff: Man, done that before. No hernia yet :-(


Jeff: If matter is neither created or destroyed, and God is the creator of all things, then why is [VPX] RedLine so tasty?


Shawn: Aaargh! I hate being human!


Michele: You are the Man of Infinite and Almighty Powers!


Jeff: I would remove software such as AdAware and SpyBot Search and Destroy but as I am 'Cornholio', I need 'TP' for my 'bunghole'.


Greg: Ford should buy GM, GM could buy Daimler-Chrysler, and they could buy Ford.
Chuck: And then they could sell all of it to Kia.


Greg: I'm on the verge of getting on cholesterol drugs :(
Jeff: man, thats no good
Jeff: 0mg cholesterol in reduced fat pringles
Greg: doesn't matter
Greg: sugar causes liver to create cholesterol :-\
Jeff: ah
Jeff: damn liver


Jeff: Wanker is a good term; it should be preserved in the new dialect.


Jen: I am not full of potatoes!


Greg: The Creative Labs X-Fi sound card sounds good, but can it match the aluminum-free, all-natural performance of Toms of Maine's roll-on deodorant?


Greg: Weldon has a friend who isn't too bright...
Mom: Is it you?


Greg: Just got some Kensington noise-cancelling headphones from Buy.com, cheap! Like $20. I like 'em!
Jeff: Nice. Do they work?
Greg: What?


Tildeman: Is Canada a state or a foreign country?
RazorJ_2000: Funny! We ask the same thing about Quebec.
Tildeman: Okay, let's trade. We'll take Quebec if you take West Virginia.
AuMatar: Dude- its Texas we want to get rid of first.
eris_crow: Trust me. I live here. It's the rest of the US that we want to get rid of.


Greg: It's like my Granny always said: "Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit."
Mom: Don't misquote her or she will rip you a new ass!


Marlin: Oops, I'm still on October. And I don't know what day it is.
Greg: It's today.
Marlin: Yes, but what position in the week is it?
Cal: Go to Yahoo.


Greg: I have a Christmas oven mitt! Except it's not a mitt, it's... what do you call it when it's just a square?


Sherry: (chanting at fresh brownie pan) COOL... COOL... we could put them in the freezer!
Greg: Mmm, I think that may "unbalance" them.
Sherry: There is nothing you could do to make those brownies yucky.
Greg: You have a lot of faith in my recipe!
Sherry: No, I have a lot of faith in brownies.


Jerry S.: Hey, um, Doug appears to, uh, have Office 2000 I guess, um, operator--or Microsoft 2000 operating system, what's the office 2000, um, for his... anyway...


Greg: I want a plumbing diode.


Romanian_Dude2005: This is SUPER SUPER SUPER LONG, but please read, its a nice ideea... [snip]
James Bean: im not reading all that, i hate, i hate you and i hate your face! Get out you make me sick.
KelranTymus: Then don't read it....but don't yell at Romanian_Dude :( he has fishy sticks, after all.....
James Bean: i didnt get a fishy stick


Bob B.: I'm not sure how the hell you do it, but I'm sure glad somebody can.


Greg: Don't feel bad. I got killed too.


Weldon: No Bork! Bork! Bork!?


(after seeing Fantastic Four)
Greg: I liked it. I give it a 7 out of 9.
Sherry: Out of 9? Why out of 9?
Greg: That's the Weldonian 9-point scale. Weldon observed that with a 10-point scale, you can't have a perfect average--a 5 is slightly below, and a 6 is slightly above. On the Weldonian scale a 5 is average.
Sherry: How geekonian of him.


Dad: When Christ returns, he'll have with Him the armies of Heaven, and they'll be on HORSES. Now where do you keep horses?
Mom: In a stable?
Dad: In a stable. And what do you feed horses?
Mom: Oats.
Dad: Spirit horses don't need to eat.
Mom: They're spiritual oats!


Mom: Guess I will just have to start hitting.


Dad: (paraphrased) The universe is like a compost pile.


Matt: Oh crap! I forgot the Zentraedi are coming!


Weldon: Congress needs to pass a law making it illegal to take money from today and go back into the past and use it. It should also make it illegal for someone from the future using money from the future. Because this sort of thing has to stop!


Debbie: I like gonads.
Kay: I like gonads, too!
Lauri: We need something with some punch.

(note this was at a meeting at work)


My great-aunt: John Kerry makes my ass want to chew tobacco.


Weldon: One can NEVER approach infinity, it is a moving target. But I do like Infinity. I also like JBL speakers.


Weldon: Yo.
Greg: Aaaahhh! You're so black!
Weldon: Word.


My boss: You're a real dork, aren't you?


Weldon: I believe in macrokernels! SimCity4 should be part of all kernels.


Mom: How about some marijuana milk?


Greg: It added to the sense of impending doom that I strive to spread at every opportunity.


Greg: The first time I saw it I was like "I'm totally not getting this" but after a couple times it grows on you and seeps into your subconscious and next thing you know you're a part of my experimental film.


Anthony: Let us eat, drink, and be merry... for tomorrow is a good day to die.

Greg: That must be from the Klingon Bible.


Greg: Put in your email address.

Paula: p.t.detweiler

Greg: T... for Terminator!

Paula: Mmm-hm.

Greg: Really?

Paula: Mmm-hm.


Gary G.: It's like the blubonic plague.


Greg: We boycotted the 1980 Olympics.

Mom: Where was it held?

Greg: [sneering] Probably Leningrad.

Mom: Salt Lake City!

Greg: Spoken like a true Protestant. Wait... I guess Mormons would call themselves Protestants. What would you say to distinguish yourself from Mormons? Evangelicals? Pentecostals?

Mom: True Christians?


Matt M.: Today, we are handing out lollipops and ass-whoopings, and we just ran out of lollipops!


Bonnie M: If you go see "The Notebook" with James Garner, be sure to bring a hanky. You'll need it! What a good story!

Greg: "Watching the young lovers rowing on a duck-filled pond is about as exciting as this film ever gets." -- Dennis Schwartz, OZUS' WORLD MOVIE REVIEWS
(Greg: [sobbing] "This s-s-story is s-so b-b-boring...")

Mom: Greg, What Bonnie didn't tell you is that "The Notebook" is a spy name for a nuclear-powered titanic missile sub. The big fight at the end brings all mankind to obliteration, the only two people left being the two on the pond watching the radiated ducks spastically swimming by.


Greg: Billy, what's the duty officer cell phone #?

Billy: It's right there on the phone list.

Greg: Ohhh... the one that says "Duty Officer"? That one?

Billy: Works just like MS-DOS: "Duty Officer" = "duty officer"

Greg: Don't you mean "DUTYOF~1"?


Richard: Did you miss me?

Greg: Ummm...

Richard: You didn't even know I was gone. Jerk.

Greg: If I knew you were gone I would have missed you. Where'd you go?

Richard: Japan. I went to a two-week ninja class.


Richard: No, I went to England.

Greg: They have ninja schools in England???


Peragrin: In general most people are stupid, ignorant, selfish, greedy, or any combination of the above. I work in sales, of course. I see the difference everyday.

Hackstraw: No offense, I don't know you. But I agree; most people fit that bill--especially sales people.


Mom: [to Greg] You must be on crack!


Shawn M: [passing Greg in the hall] Eek! A human!


April: I'm a high-quality girl, so I require real chicken.


Tim E.: There isn't enough onion in the world to make me want to eat cow filter.


Mom: I want a Gatling gun.


Lauri M.: Shoot... I applied for the Butthead position.


Lauri M.: Somebody get this freaking duck away from me!


Ken C.: What we need is the footh... the footh... the footh?


Greg: Some computer problems are easy. The rest are teeth-grindingly, mind-numbingly, Godzilla-eats-you-and-poops-you-out difficult.


Lauri M.: I am a rice bowl of appreciation.


Greg: Do you have sweet tea?
Waitress: Sweet... tea?
Troy: Dude. You're in New Hampshire.


(Passing West St.)
Jennifer W.: They named a road after me!
Troy C.: That's nothing. They named a whole city after me.
John H.: Well, every toilet in the country is named after me.


Greg: Look! It's a city!
John H.: And a pineapple! A giant pineapple!


Greg: Mmmm.... homemade chocolate pretzels.
Jennifer W.: I'll make you chocolate-covered cherries too.
Greg: Um, I'm not a big fan of chocolate with fruit.
Jennifer: Cherries aren't a fruit!
Greg: They aren't? What are they? A vegetable?
Jennifer: They're a chocolate!


Greg: Of course I left my shirt on. I didn't think you wanted to see furry cleavage.


Michael S.: My computer is really slow, in case you're wondering. It's not just me. We're both slow.


Marzipan: You're not a dead ficus plant!
Homestar: You're so smart.


Greg: Allah be praised, it's a double whopper with cheese!


Greg: I installed a water-cooling kit on my PC today! It has a waterblock on the CPU, a pump, and a radiator, all connected with vinyl tubing.
Mom: That sounds like too much work. Just put an ice cube on it now and then.


Ric B.: Can Frank burn CDs?
Greg: No, only I can burn CDs.
Joby A.: Burning CDs is illegal in Virginia. Wait... that's cross burning.


Matt M.: I can't even count colored balls! ARRRRGGHHH!


Greg: I just grit my teeth when Amazon.com recommended: "Isn't it about time you broke down and bought Windows XP?"
Lauri M.: It bothers me, too, especially since it's backwards. It oughta say:

"Isn't it about time you bought Windows XP and broke down?"


Joby A.: It was a sophisticated fart.


Weldon G.: I like Minix.


Michael S.: It may take me a while, but eventually I'll give you an answer you want to hear.


Stephen B.: We're all freaks in our own special way.


Greg: Try and choke me. Go ahead! Try and choke me!


Greg: OSHA has determined that the carrying capacity of my butt is 2 persons. This limit will not change prior to steps and a guardrail being installed. In the mean time, feel free to step to the side and have a cup of shut the hell up.
Troy C.: Huh?
Greg: Excuse me, have you finished your cup already?


Lauri M.: I am a symbolic link to /dev/null!


Chuck: I have broken my finger, hand, knuckles, nose, toes, had a bleeding kidney (peeing blood for a week...), chipped bones, kicked in the groin so hard that everything turned black down there and various torn ligaments...


Chuck: Weapons are really cool, I love weapons and fighting.


John K.: How do I make Word print out a document's redlines?
Greg: Tools, Track Changes. There's an option in there that--
John K.: (expletive deleted), why do you tell me that crap?
Greg: Tell you what? How to do it?


Norm V.: Is the HP 8100 a fax machine?
Greg: I don't think so... no, it isn't. It's just a scanner.
Norm V.: Well, it says fax right here: F-A-Q-S.


Mom: I bet vampires like MSG.


Matt M: How is the "me" which is me still me from one moment to the next?


Chad: You see, government contracting dulls the brain. It's steady, safe and mind-numbingly boring.

Greg: It's not that bad. I just visited a "Yoda Ate My Balls" web page.


Joby A.: I think it's OK if you die.


Greg: LaRC has misplaced the Internet. Should be back shortly.


Lauri M.: I like to tell people I'm Charles Bronson.


Saturn SL2: [series of clicking noises]
Russell: What was that?
Greg: The anti-lock braking self-diagnostic.
Russell: [sternly] WHAT was that?
Greg: The anti-lock braking self-diagnostic.


[In front of Captain George's]
Greg: This place looks too upscale for me. Let's go to Burger King.
Russ: Are you sure you can afford it?


Chad: Rechargeable batteries! They're the wave of the past, but they're here for the present. That's because we have some left over. From the past.