Fact: Any business name is made funnier if you append "and Discount Bait Shop."
Colleen: What's in this box?
Colleen: *opening it* Books.
Greg: *growling* BURN THEM ALL.
Colleen: Funny you say that. One of them is "Rescuing Souls from Hell."
Me, digging through tool chest: Claw hammer... another claw hammer... another claw hammer. Why do you have three claw hammers?!
Colleen: Because I'm a girl!
Colleen Ackerson: Which of these notepads is heavier?
Greg: The bigger one.
Colleen: I must be going crazy. I thought it was the smaller one.
Greg: I think the bigger one is 30% heavier. Let's find out. *gets kitchen scale*
Colleen: I don't care how much heavier it is...
Greg: I was close! The smaller one is 58 grams and the bigger one is 73 grams, so it's actually 25.8% heavier.
Colleen: Well. See? You were wrong.
Greg: I would go on a liquid diet if the liquid in question was eggnog.
Greg: If 20 years of IT has taught me anything, it's that the words "you can't" is the worse thing ever.
Colleen: Uh oh. There's fog on the bridge.
Greg: I love fog! It's so mysterious.
Colleen: I hate fog. It's so dangerous.
Greg: Danger is mysterious!
Greg: Now I remember why I wanted to go online... it was to post on Facebook.
Colleen: Aw, I thought you were going to search for White Christmas.
Greg: I'm not a Bing Crosby fan.
Colleen: WHAT? I wish I had known that before I married you!
Colleen: Aren't you in school right now??
Colleen: So... what about your school work??
Ethan: Its 4 nurdz
Greg: Ethan's going to be a jock.
Ethan: Heheheheh nurd
Colleen: Aren't you glad I'm only 24%?
Greg: Oh, you took the Psychopath Test!
Colleen: Yep. The average woman scored 39%.
Greg: That's what I scored! I'm a perfect woman. You're more sane than me.
Colleen: And I'm the one who works in the crazy hospital!
Colleen: I can't set trolls on fire because they're wearing ice pants!
|*** In between these two quotes, I married Colleen. (and after a quote like this, who wouldn't?) ***
Greg: Kosher hot dogs taste great, but they sure are expensive.
Colleen: The reason they cost more is when the meat falls on the floor, they take the time to clean it before putting it back in the machine. With the cheap dogs, they just scoop it up with a dustpan and throw it in.
Craig Baird: Did you get a new truck?
Me: Nah, this is my dad's... my Saturn is in the shop.
Craig: I told you to get rid of that!
Me: Yeah, yeah.
Craig: Have you seen the new Focus? It's sweet.
Me: I want a car that's big enough to carry 8-foot 2x4s.
Craig: Get a truck!
Colleen Ryan: No, *I'M* getting the truck!
Troy: Say what?
Weldon: wuv uuuuuuuu!!!
Weldon: oops you not Jennifer Godfrey
Weldon: hate you!
Greg: ROME Group. Greg here.
Brad: Hey, Greg. This is Brad Clements from Charleston; we had talked about ETAP license the other day?
Greg: Oh hey, Brad. Good morning.
Brad: Good morning... are you off today?
Brad: You sound really relaxed.
Greg: That's how we roll, baby.
Greg (AKA Tinluindir): Ah! I see you're in Thorin's Hall, too.
Xander (AKA Amathaew): Tis a nice place, is it not? The home of my people.
Greg: It's nothing like Duillond, that's for sure. So many edges... and corners... I've not had dealings with the dwarves since the dark times.
Xander: Oh, so you're an elf?
Xander: Then I look forward to never trusting you.
|(unknown. 2008 or 2009 I think)|
[At the airport]
Bonnie: Even though you were too far away to recognize, I knew it was you, by your gait... the unique way you were walking.
Greg: [thinking] Uh oh, testosterone alert.
Greg: In what way?
Bonnie: Well, sort of like a caveman.
Greg: [thinking] Whew!
Weldon: I get nose bleeds at 1.1 micrometers.
Xander: Evil smells like sulfur and butts.
Xander: I was just thinking yesterday that I need a new source of diarrhea. Mexican food just doesn't cut it.
Colleen: Behave yourself, David.
Dave: I know I'm not behaving!
Jeff: [Flossing is] an unfortunate necessity until science can replace a row of teeth with a bionic titanium monotooth.
Greg: "The one and only Grant Morrison (ALL-STAR SUPERMAN) returns to Superman, joined by sensational artist Rags Morales (IDENTITY CRISIS)..." My favorite comic book artist is paired with my most abhorred author??? AAAAARRRGHHH!!! How could this be happening!!!!!
Xander: This sounds like a problem that, like most every problem, can be solved with violence.
Dad: Just imagine how much Soylent Green you could produce if you processed all the illegal aliens, instead of deporting them. Think of all the suffering poor you could feed!
Weldon: I am thinking of upgrading to Windows 3.1.
Weldon: Join my friends list on Google+!
Greg: No one uses Google Plus, so I hear.
Weldon: That's because it's a clean slate. We need to get on there and dirty it up.
John B.: I am a vegetarian except for bacon.
Greg: Don't believe everything you see on YouTube.
Dad: I believe EVERYTHING I see on YouTube.
Greg: Can we drop my car off at BJ's? I need to get my tires rotated.
Troy: Don't they rotate every time you drive?
Greg: I would take a lot more risks in real life if I could reload a saved game.
Russ: Aw man! I only have one mauling to my record. I need to maul more often!
FB Guy: Hello. How's it going?
Greg: Good. How about you?
FB Guy: Are you friends with my main?
Greg: No. I kicked you when semi-porn showed up on my news feed.
FB Guy: You semi-kicked me?? :( :(
Greg: No, I all-the-way kicked you. :)
Troy: Greg, how dare you speak against individuals' personal right to expression of art by pooping on public property?
Kaitlyn A.: [pointing at a planetary diagram] This is the earth's crust. You can't eat it.
Greg: Girls read me too easily.... It's one of my weaknesses. None of my emotions are ninjas.
Greg: In Hell, you poop live tarantulas.
Greg: That's not an invalid error if we don't want people to not be loading a specific file. Wow, I used a quadruple negative. Are you impressed?
Weldon: You must always type 'NUCLEAR REACTOR!!!' in upper case and at least three explanation points. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
John: Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.
Greg: I FREEZE IT AND MAKE A BRAIN SLUSHIE.
F. John: I would go postal, but it's too much work.
Dad: Hey Socrates, baby! Get a real job!
Russell: I've never played a game before where going afk in a town for 5 mins can mean you come back to the town to find it's been taken over by planar creatures dancing on your corpse!
Troy: Apparently you're meaner than I am.
Greg: HELL YEAH!!! HULK SMASH PUNY BEING POLITE. I'm meaner than a whole passel of rattlesnakes in a dentist office at high noon! If I see a horse that's hurt and struggling, I help it across the street... on the way to the GLUE FACTORY!!! I enjoy spending time with my nephews and pointing out different insects... right before I STOMP THEM INTO THE GROUND!!!! (true story) ("them"=the insects, not my nephews)
Greg: I wanted to compliment a woman on her boots, but I couldn't figure out how to say it without sounding gay.
Xander: "Girl, nice boots."
Greg: Yeah, but this woman was older than your mom so that would've been weird.
Xander: "Old lady, nice boots."
Greg: American industries could be competitive with China if we charged an import tariff on Chinese goods.
Mom: Yeah! We could pay off our debt just with that!
Greg: But if we said, "Hey China, we're sick of you flooding our markets with cheap crap. We're charging a 50% tariff on you." They'd say, "Fine. We want our money back."
Mom: And we'd say, "What money?"
Greg: My playstyle is dominated by turtling, which can be a great source of frustration when I'm presented with something that demands constant offensives and gaining ground, like W40K Dawn of War, or real life.
Greg: I was at Cracker Barrel and tried to order Chicken and Dumplings. I say "try" because what I asked for was "Chicklin and Dumpings."
Ethan: I don't know why people pay a lot of money to go to a fancy restaurant when they can just stick a fork in a head of lettuce and call it dinner.
Greg: God has a zero ping. No exceptions. He could be logging into a Korean Starcraft lobby from an island in the Seychelles using an acoustic coupler modem over rusty barbed wire, and He'd still have a zero ping.
Greg: Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Troy: That's nothing. Liberals live for years without brains.
Greg: I dreamt I was shooting you in the face with a flamethrower, and you were just laughing at me!
Russell: That's because I was wearing SPF 10 million sunblock and your pants were on fire!
Weldon: I am a Republican hippie. "Peace, love and WAR!!!"
Greg: Rhode Island's Central Landfill is 50x larger than its largest park.
Jeff: They should make the landfill a park.
Greg: It worked for Mt. Trashmore! The problem is Central is a toxic waste dump.
Jeff: What makes it so toxic?
Greg: I just thought of something. Since the tectonic plates are always moving, could it be that sea levels are not rising, but rather the land is falling?
Troy: Interesting proposition. However, you know the sea level has to be rising because we are clubbing baby seals!
Slashdot: "Youtube pulled the original 'Rickroll' video Wednesday night. Don't worry, after a lot of email about the loss of such an important piece of cultural history, Youtube put it back up, saying that they're never gonna say goodbye to the video that's had over 30 million views."
Mirthscout: It's back up again, and [had] it back up again before anyone can get the story posted.
ground.zero.612: SUCKERS! You just got RickRolled by Youtube!
||v||trix: How do you RickRoll this video?
BlueTrin: It is safe to say that most of the people posting here have been rickrolled.
2obvious4u: Yeah, I got RickRolled by NPR this morning.
Joce640K: That baby must have sucked up terabytes/min at its peak. You can probably trace global warming back to Rick Astley if you try.
Nerfest: In the future, the "Astley" will become the standard unit for measuring carbon emissions from computing. eg.: I switched to DC power for our servers and saved 47 Astleys annually.
elrous0: I already blame Rick Astley for pretty much everything else that's wrong with the world--might as well add that to the list.
Kay: Are you growing a beard??
Greg: Uhh... no, I just forgot to shave.
Kay: That's a lot of beard for one day!
Greg: I forgot for a week.
Weldon: I want to play a game of Risk.
Greg: I'll be Nazi Man.
Weldon: I'll be Heart Man: taking over the world with my love, OR THEY WILL GET THE BACK OF ME HAND!
Greg: Face it, man... you need LSD to keep up with me.
(In a fit of cruel irony, the guy I said this to used to be hooked on LSD)
Greg: Aaaahhh! I cut myself on a blender blade and got blood on my pizza dough. I'm cooking it anyway.
Greg: Popup ads on TV make me think evil thoughts.
Weldon: I think evil thoughts all the time.
Mom: I just learned how to make an atom bomb!
Greg: Listen to this quote from a Harvard professor in 1908: "The public has greatly overestimated the possibilities of the airplane, imagining that in another generation they will be able to fly over to London in a day. This is manifestly impossible."
Mom: Shows you what a Harvard education gets you.
Greg: Cute. Ewoks are still lame, though!!!!!!!!!!!
John: No Way. Billy D is lame!
Greg: You're just jealous because he said "You truly belong here among the clouds" to Carrie Fisher instead of you.
John: OH YEAH! Well Yub Yub!
Weldon: There's no such thing as an Internet. Why are you spreading such nonsense on FIDONET?
Greg: Calorielab.com says at Chick-fil-a, their small unsweetend iced tea is 0 calories, their large unsweetened is 5 calories, and their medium unsweetened is 110 calories.
Weldon: Well, that is because that once you drink so much and have a big enough batch in your stomach, it starts combining with things like oxygen and a medium is 110 calories. However, once you get halfway between medium and large, it goes unstable and explodes in your digestive system before you absorb it!
Weldon: Korean has 13 vowels and 13 consonants, because the modern alphabet was invented by a mathematician. This is why their modern written language looks like a bunch of math symbols in triads.
Greg: Sounds like he was leaking linguistics all over the place. I bet he had loose vowels.
Greg: You're saying they put Taco Bell beef in Iranian oil??
Jeff: Taco bell beef IS Iranian oil!
Greg: Obama should fart on live TV.
Weldon: He does! It comes out of his mouth.
Alex: Girls don't know how to arm or disarm a missile!
Ethan: Yeah, and if you don't give them the large chocolate, they'll slap ya!
Alex: Well, if they slap us, we can use our missile!
Jeff: Idiot! The key to pink fusion is pink grapefruit fusion!
Mom: I want to be Secretary of WAR!
John Bundy: I wish I could quit you.
Greg: I'm the crack cocaine of friendships. The only way out is feet first.
Greg: I bet your butt doesn't have 30g of fat per serving like a hotdog does.
John B.: I have a prosthetic butt because a hippo bit me in the Congo.
Anonymous Coward: Right, because without any predators, Terran bacteria could easily overwhelm the Moon's indigenous...er...rock species?
trongey: Now that's a scary scenario: bacteria break down all the rocks on the Moon, and all that's left is a cloud of dust orbiting the Earth.
Drooling Iguana: That's basically what the Moon is already. It's just kept together due to gravity, which wouldn't switch off when you introduce the bacteria.
fredrikj: Unless the bacteria eat gravity.
Greg: My toilet is beeping at me!
Weldon: I have a filtering proxy cache that doesn't want to block this penis enlarging pill site.
Greg: That's because it's http://supersilly.com/~greg/enlarge-your-penis-pills
Weldon: I get a 404 error on that.
Greg: I guess you don't need the pills.
Weldon: The blast wave of my fart is strong enough to slow down anyone.
Soulskill: Pickens brings news that researchers from Rice University have discovered that it's possible to store hydrogen inside buckyballs... The buckyballs can contain up to 8% of their weight in hydrogen, and they are strong enough to hold it at a density that rivals the center of Jupiter.
Anonymous Coward: Also for those of you more familiar with the US measurement system (rather than the SI units): The pressures we're talking about here is almost 200 million library of congresses per VW Beetle.
elrous0: That's a big twinkie.
Dad: The 2008 dollar is worth about as much as a wad of phlegm in a flu sufferer's handkerchief.
Marlin: I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but you notice how every time Jeff takes off for a few days, people start getting shot?
Greg: I knew it was love when she stopped charging me.
Marlin: Water = Poop.
Greg (to Mom): You are an island of tankage in a sea of squishiness!